University Struggles


know that recently I haven't spoken about my university studies for quite some time now. 

At this very moment in time I am struggling - a lot! Now, nobody said that university would be easy and nobody should make this statement but it is hard, really hard. But recently I've had a real lack in motivation, perhaps it's the gloomy winter or, rather it is the coursework. 

A little insight into my educational life of languages:

I've never been great at languages I will definitely admit to that. Infact I was never really good at school, I only got a grade C at college (foundation tier) which I worked so damn hard for - and got a certificate and a postcard from my tutor that applauded my dedication to the subject. I begged my tutor to let me do AS French I saw her every single day until she let me - and eventually she did! But, I had to drop out because it was so hard and I'd of only have gotten a grade E - if that! That day I cried so much, my heart broke. For reasons I shall no go too indepth into, I quit Alevels after getting amazing AS level grades due to bullying and depression. My path then took a different turn into the world of hair and makeup - to which I was never really happy in. At that time of my life I had a mentor who helped me with depression and studies, and I always told her about wanted to teach abroad and do languages - I even did a computer test for careers and my top 2 were 'language teacher' and 'translator'. After working in a salon for a while full time, I then got back onto the right path of languages with the help of the Open Univeristy. 

As of now I am working towards a BA (hons) language studies degree in French and English. I finished my first English based module a little while back and now I am on French. It is only beginners French - but WOW - it is extremely hard, and I for one, am incredibly scared! My thoughts are racing around about this matter, for example: 

- what If I can't do this, and fail my degree?
- am I capible of this?
- how do I retain all this information?
- maybe I'm not meant for languages 
- what's the best way to make notes to remember things? 
- what's happens after this degree? (Masters? CETLA, careers?) and do I want this?
- what's happened to my motivation? 

I've even thought of swapping degrees (perhaps to English literature)... I am very scared about all this, I don't know what I want to do but I do know one thing, and that is what I want from life. All I want to do in life is to travel, to see the whole world, to escape, to have a life worth writting about....

To put it one way, I have wanderlust. I remember when I was a very little girl, looking out of my window at night and thinking 'there must be more to life than this' I've never felt like i belong here, like I should of been born elsewhere. I've always felt the need to escape, to leave this place in search of foreign lands.

And this degree will help with that, because with languages you can travel anywhere. Just with French alone, over 30 countries speak French including, Canada, Switzerland, Belguim, and even the beautiful paradise that is the Seychelles. 

Right now, I am just quite de-motivated and somewhat depressed. 

For now, I will conintue with this degree and hope for the best. I hope that I will be able to find some way of retaining this information, wether by writing notes or something else. I had my first face-to-face tutorial the other day that when very well, I remember quite a lot from it, it was very helpful. But, working in a classroom with a tutor is one thing, but working alone on your own just with books and CDs is a totally different thing. I really wish there were more face-to-face tutorials in this module, as there is only four, and personally, I feel like I benefit much more from these type of tutorials than anything else. Due to that:

- you can be corrected if your work is wrong (it's hard to correct yourself at home)
- you can ask for help (instead of having to wait for an email reply)
- the tutor inspires you (at home I lack inspiration)
- the tutor can give you useful tips 
- you can practice with a native French person
- the tutor has a lot of knowledge that you can learn from 

Don't get me wrong, I do love the Open University, and I am very grateful for this second change with languages, but it is extremely hard - perhaps even harder than a brick university because of the lack of face-to-face tutorials. Also, it is quite lonely, just you and your books. I really need to find a great way to work alone, with motivation, with inspiration, be able to retain information, and write notes that I can learn from. 

I miss real life human communication. 

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