Just Breathe Wanderlust: depressed

University Struggles

I know that recently I haven't spoken about my university studies for quite some time now.

At this very moment in time I am struggling - a lot! Now, nobody said that university would be easy and nobody should make this statement but it is hard, really hard. But recently I've had a real lack in motivation, perhaps it's the gloomy winter or, rather it is the coursework.

A little insight into my educational life of languages:

I've never been great at languages I will definitely admit to that. Infact I was never really good at school, I only got a grade C at college (foundation tier) which I worked so damn hard for - and got a certificate and a postcard from my tutor that applauded my dedication to the subject. I begged my tutor to let me do AS French I saw her every single day until she let me - and eventually she did! But, I had to drop out because it was so hard and I'd of only have gotten a grade E - if that! That day I cried so much, my heart broke. For reasons I shall no go too indepth into, I quit Alevels after getting amazing AS level grades due to bullying and depression. My path then took a different turn into the world of hair and makeup - to which I was never really happy in. At that time of my life I had a mentor who helped me with depression and studies, and I always told her about wanted to teach abroad and do languages - I even did a computer test for careers and my top 2 were 'language teacher' and 'translator'. After working in a salon for a while full time, I then got back onto the right path of languages with the help of the Open Univeristy.

As of now I am working towards a BA (hons) language studies degree in French and English. I finished my first English based module a little while back and now I am on French. It is only beginners French - but WOW - it is extremely hard, and I for one, am incredibly scared! My thoughts are racing around about this matter, for example:

- what If I can't do this, and fail my degree?

- am I capible of this?

- how do I retain all this information?

- maybe I'm not meant for languages

- what's the best way to make notes to remember things?

- what's happens after this degree? (Masters? CETLA, careers?) and do I want this?

- what's happened to my motivation?

I've even thought of swapping degrees (perhaps to English literature)... I am very scared about all this, I don't know what I want to do but I do know one thing, and that is what I want from life. All I want to do in life is to travel, to see the whole world, to escape, to have a life worth writting about....

To put it one way, I have wanderlust. I remember when I was a very little girl, looking out of my window at night and thinking 'there must be more to life than this' I've never felt like i belong here, like I should of been born elsewhere. I've always felt the need to escape, to leave this place in search of foreign lands.

And this degree will help with that, because with languages you can travel anywhere. Just with French alone, over 30 countries speak French including, Canada, Switzerland, Belguim, and even the beautiful paradise that is the Seychelles.

Right now, I am just quite de-motivated and somewhat depressed.

For now, I will conintue with this degree and hope for the best. I hope that I will be able to find some way of retaining this information, wether by writing notes or something else. I had my first face-to-face tutorial the other day that when very well, I remember quite a lot from it, it was very helpful. But, working in a classroom with a tutor is one thing, but working alone on your own just with books and CDs is a totally different thing. I really wish there were more face-to-face tutorials in this module, as there is only four, and personally, I feel like I benefit much more from these type of tutorials than anything else. Due to that:

- you can be corrected if your work is wrong (it's hard to correct yourself at home)

- you can ask for help (instead of having to wait for an email reply)

- the tutor inspires you (at home I lack inspiration)

- the tutor can give you useful tips

- you can practice with a native French person

- the tutor has a lot of knowledge that you can learn from

Don't get me wrong, I do love the Open University, and I am very grateful for this second change with languages, but it is extremely hard - perhaps even harder than a brick university because of the lack of face-to-face tutorials. Also, it is quite lonely, just you and your books. I really need to find a great way to work alone, with motivation, with inspiration, be able to retain information, and write notes that I can learn from.

I miss real life human communication.

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Life Lessons

be happy 13:13

words of wisdom that you should remember, from time to time.

Laugh

Laugh constantly. Laugh freely. Laugh at every moment in your life. Laugh when it is appropriate. Laugh when it isn’t. Laugh when it hurts like hell. Laugh when the happiness escaping your throat is as smooth as a whiskey seven. If you cannot laugh when you’re beat down. When you are hurt. When you are two seconds away from inhaling a pain that will drown you, you will never survive.

Shoes

A girl can never own too many stilettos. Yes, they will hurt. Yes, they will cost almost as much as your rent. Yes, while they were once undeniably beautiful you will inevitably wreck them thanks to countless nights plagued with tequila and bad decisions. It doesn’t matter. They will make you feel beautiful when you can’t stand to look at yourself in the mirror. They will make your legs appear longer, your form appear slimmer, and your ass appear Brazilian.

Music

Music will save you. It will also kill you. Certain songs will repair gaping holes in your heart while others will send you back two years ago; when you were in his arms, kissing his lips, and resting your head on his shoulders as he strangled his fingertips with your hair. Regardless, music is a constant reminder that it’s okay to feel. It is okay to remember, to reminisce, and to be sad. It’s okay to cry laugh smile lose control scream dance become far too sentimental forget. To. Just. Be. Hiding behind intoxicating melodies and beautiful breakdowns is the universe’s permission to feel. So close your eyes and turn up the volume.

Reading

Reading is pivotal. Another human being’s syntax is the soul’s water. While walking a mile in another’s shoes is impossible, caressing a stranger’s paperback spine is the closest you will ever get to fully understanding another human. So sink into a chair every once in a while. Sit outside in the sun. Cuddle up next to a lover. A window. A fireplace. Just read.

Loneliness

It is okay to be alone. In fact, everyone should be at least once. Surround yourself in the silence that is independence. Stop looking for someone so that you may find yourself.

Strength

You are capable of handling situations you couldn’t have possibly imagined. Fathers will disown you. The love of your life will sleep with someone else. The person who made you will hit you. Your best friends will die. A man will ignore your fervent “no” and take what he wants. And still you will find yourself filling your lungs when situations should have left them empty. It is in those moments that you’ll remember there isn’t anything you cannot overcome.

Driving

The cure to any discomforting situation or painful realization or heavy moment within one’s life, is driving. Nothing will take away the feelings of failure like a never ending road, a rolled down window, a six speed manual, a music collection of epic and speaker-destroying proportion. Drive until you have left it all behind you. You will eventually have to return to it all, however the miles you’ve put between you and a rude reality will strengthen your resolve.

Help

It is okay to ask for help. It is okay to swallow your pride, choke down your guilt, chew on your inadequacies, and realize that you cannot do everything by yourself. Everyone needs help at one time or another. Including you.

Enjoy Life

Enjoy having too much. Too much Jack Daniels. Too much love. Too much dancing. Too much work. Too much procrastination. Too much time. Too much responsibility. Too much insecurity. Too much coffee. Too much doubt. Too much of not enough. Realize that overindulgence is the key to neutrality. Realize that a painful destruction is essential to the construction of something wonderfully beautiful. So take one shot too many. Stay out until six thirty, when you have to be at work at nine. Tell them that you love them, even when you know it is too much.

Count Your Blessings

Remember how blessed you are. You can be covered in bruises and overflowing with emptiness. You can be lost, alone, and fantastically hurt. However, it can always. Always. Be worse. And for countless others, it is. So after you have tended to your bruises and replaced the smallest amount of emptiness with a tangible satisfaction. After you’ve been found and are standing next to another and your hurt has diminished. Be thankful.

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Birthday?

19th 09:52

Is it bad to feel depressed on your birthday? I mean I've suffered with depression now for as long as I can remember - but on today of all days...

Yesterday I went to Birmingham with on of my friends as a birthday thing, but today the actual day of my birthday I've done literally nothing.

I got up at about 11 although I'd been awake since about 6am I just couldn't bare to face the day and so I stayed in bed for a while. Then I went down and forced myself to eat breakfast - I wasn't hungry though. My mother didn't even say happy birthday to me when I got downstairs for breakfast she just went on talking about the TV and Sport, about how Murray was playing tennis and Italy was playing later. I opened all of my birthday cards, some of which I got a little money from and I had my two presents that my mum had got me - although I knew what they both were, since 1. I was with her when she got the Zara shoes months ago and 2. I ordered the chocolates myself when we did the groceries online.

When I got back upstairs I was just going to crawl back into bed and try to sleep for the rest of the day. But instead I decided to clean my room from when my friend had slept round, so I did that. And then I decided to do my makeup to cheer me up - I put on my new dress and did my hair...basically got all dolled up for nothing. But then my mum came into my room yelled at me to hoover my room - so I did. Then she said to do the washing - so I did...and then told me to put the washing away - so I did. Since then I've not really seen her all day..only heard her swearing in the kitchen....I've pretty much just texted my other best friend on facebook all day also I wrote my university assignment and I've finished it, bibliography and all. I probably shouldn't of done that on my birthday though - but It just feels like any other day, and at least it is done.

I know this blog is meant to be positive and so on but today - well I just don't feel like it at all. I've not even hid my depression today with fake smiles - anytime I try to I just feel like bursting into tears....although I've done the usual "I'm fine" and "I'm just tired"...neither of which I am.

I just feel lonely in my room on my own all day, although I do this everyday, I shouldn't be doing it on my birthday. My friends are busy since it's fathers day,although my dad isn't even here for fathers day or my birthday... and my mum doesn't want anyone round anyway since she's ill.

I feel like i'm 40-50 not 19....I'm meant to be enjoying life, being carefree and going to parties...This is the very last of my teenagers years and well I feel like I've accomplished nothing.

I just want one good birthday - you know like in the movies where they have this big party to celebrate, with a big cake, birthday wishes, loads of people having fun and smiling, balloons, all of that good stuff. But, well, I can hardly say that today has been a celebration... then again saying that I don't know that many people and I don't drink and well I highly doubt that movie idea will ever happen.

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