Is it bad to feel depressed on your birthday? I mean I've suffered with depression now for as long as I can remember - but on today of all days...

Yesterday I went to Birmingham with on of my friends as a birthday thing, but today the actual day of my birthday I've done literally nothing.

 I got up at about 11 although I'd been awake since about 6am I just couldn't bare to face the day and so I stayed in bed for a while. Then I went down and forced myself to eat breakfast - I wasn't hungry though. My mother didn't even say happy birthday to me when I got downstairs for breakfast she just went on talking about the TV and Sport, about how Murray was playing tennis and Italy was playing later. I opened all of my birthday cards, some of which I got a little money from and I had my two presents that my mum had got me - although I knew what they both were, since 1. I was with her when she got the Zara shoes months ago and 2. I ordered the chocolates myself when we did the groceries online.

When I got back upstairs I was just going to crawl back into bed and try to sleep for the rest of the day. But instead I decided to clean my room from when my friend had slept round, so I did that. And then I decided to do my makeup to cheer me up - I put on my new dress and did my hair...basically got all dolled up for nothing. But then my mum came into my room yelled at me to hoover my room - so I did. Then she said to do the washing - so I did...and then told me to put the washing away - so I did. Since then I've not really seen her all day..only heard her swearing in the kitchen....I've pretty much just texted my other best friend on facebook all day also I wrote my university assignment and I've finished it, bibliography and all. I probably shouldn't of done that on my birthday though - but It just feels like any other day, and at least it is done.

I know this blog is meant to be positive and so on but today - well I just don't feel like it at all. I've not even hid my depression today with fake smiles - anytime I try to I just feel like bursting into tears....although I've done the usual "I'm fine" and "I'm just tired"...neither of which I am.

I just feel lonely in my room on my own all day, although I do this everyday, I shouldn't be doing it on my birthday. My friends are busy since it's fathers day,although my dad isn't even here for fathers day or my birthday... and my mum doesn't want anyone round anyway since she's ill.

I feel like i'm 40-50 not 19....I'm meant to be enjoying life, being carefree and going to parties...This is the very last of my teenagers years and well I feel like I've accomplished nothing.

I just want one good birthday - you know like in the movies where they have this big party to celebrate, with a big cake, birthday wishes, loads of people having fun and smiling, balloons, all of that good stuff. But, well, I can hardly say that today has been a celebration... then again saying that I don't know that many people and I don't drink and well I highly doubt that movie idea will ever happen. 

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